president obama held his first press conference today. since being re-elected. and, you know what, he just had fun with it. he really did. four years ago when obama took office, he established a system where citizens can petition the government and if a petition gets more than 25,000 signatures, he promised he would respond to it. so, after obama won last week, citizens in all 50 states filed petitions to secede from the union. the guy they supported didn't win, so, now they want their own separate countries, i guess. which is silly, but whatever. the state with the longest petition is texas, texas has more than 100,000 signatures, which exceeds the minimum of 25,000. so, today, the obama administration, as promised, responded to this. >> hey. how you doing? i'm anthony caprise, president obama's special envoy for talking to the people from seceding from the [ bleep ] union. president obama got your little petition. he read it, he mulled it over and here's his response. nobody -- nobody is seceding from no union. nobody! you got it, texas? good. now, go eat some